Related topics: •  Daycare or Preschool: Helping Your Child Adjust •  Shyness, Ages 3 to 6 •  Shyness, Ages 6 to 12

Does your toddler tuck her head into your shoulder when a stranger gets too close or cry when someone new enters the room? Or does she hide behind her babysitter's skirt and hold back from joining group activities? You're probably a bit concerned that she might be shy. Although shyness is very common (about half of us consider ourselves shy) and perfectly normal, you may fear that your shy child will have trouble making friends or handling social situations. Or perhaps you worry that something you're doing as a parent is causing the shyness. It should reassure you to know that some children are just born shy and almost all toddlers go through periods of shyness known as separation anxiety. Most important, there are many ways you can help your timid child feel comfortable with herself and the world.

Just as parents will study a child's face for Mom's chin or Grandpa's eyes, they also look for signs of inborn personality. "Look at Will cooing and reaching for that other baby," one parent might say. "He's so outgoing, he won't have any trouble making friends." Meanwhile, another parent frets, "Noelle hid her head and cried when her uncle came into the room. I think she's shy." While Will may be sociable because he just ate and Noelle could be crying because she has gas, it's also possible that Will and Noelle are evincing their particular temperaments. Will may have been born assertive; Noelle may be naturally reserved.

The notion that a baby is born with specific personality traits is a relatively new one. Experts long believed that environment was primarily responsible for shaping a child's character. Now some scientists think they've found genes linked to shyness, fearfulness, even thrill-seeking behavior, and a number of child development experts believe that shyness and other personality traits are just as likely to be products of neurochemistry as of social experience. Thus your child's temperament may predispose her to be wary of new situations and slow to warm up to the unfamiliar.

There's no way to know, but countless people have outgrown childhood shyness. Think of all the socially adept people you know who say they were very shy as children. Try not to worry about the future and focus instead on providing the acceptance and support that will help your child face the world. Take baby Noelle, for instance, who recoiled from strangers. If, as Noelle's parent, you ease her into group situations and introduce her gradually to new experiences and people, Noelle may at least partly overcome her shyness. She may never be as outgoing as Will, the baby who loves everybody, but debilitating shyness doesn't have to be her destiny. In fact, many researchers believe that as a child grows, the influence of experience overtakes that of genetics. Some experts estimate that ultimately only 10 percent of an adult's personality is inborn.

The key is to let your child take things at her own pace. Allow her to approach people in her own roundabout way, whether that's peering at people over your shoulder in the grocery store or playing peekaboo with Uncle Jim around your legs. Eventually, when her curiosity overtakes her shyness, she'll approach voluntarily. Letting her make the first move will boost her confidence as well as her interest in new people. Here are some other tips:

•Be sympathetic. Let your child know that you understand how she feels. You might say, "It's hard when all the kids are so noisy, isn't it?"

•Offer encouragement. Any time your child reaches out to make a friend or join in an activity, praise her efforts, no matter how tentative.

•Don't criticize or belittle. Remember, there's nothing to be gained from making your child feel bad for being shy. This is just how she is; it's not a trait that she can turn on and off at will.

•Don't avoid social situations. Your child may take a little longer to involve herself in a play group or join the table at a birthday party, but the more she's exposed to such gatherings, the more comfortable she'll get.

•Find less stressful ways for your child to be social. Choose activities that involve smaller groups and take place in quiet or familiar environments. If the library is one of your child's favorite places, you might take her to story hour there.

•Don't label your child as shy. It's best not to speak about her timidity with others, because a child may hear "She's shy" as a criticism or "She's just shy" as an excuse that sets her apart from others. Try, furthermore, not to think of her that way yourself. If you expect shyness, your expectation may influence her behavior.

While some toddlers are truly shy, others are just going through a shy stage. Here are the signs of each:

•Shyness: Your child frequently hides her head, gets anxious and restless, and cries when she's faced with the unfamiliar. New people and places -- even new games, foods, toys, or clothes -- upset her. She may be a light sleeper and more sensitive than other kids to teething discomfort and illnesses. Recent research has shown that these indicators of shyness show up surprisingly early. When Harvard researcher Jerome Kagan and his team tested the physiological responses of sociable and shy 2-month-olds to moving mobiles and recordings of human voices, the shy babies had increased heart rates, cried excessively, and showed other signs of distress.

•Separation anxiety: Your child has sudden attacks of shyness that first occurred when she was between 7 and 9-months-old. Fear of being apart from you or of strangers first crops up when your child begins to discover her independence, which usually coincides with her becoming mobile. Almost all children go through at least one episode, and they may continue to have bouts of separation anxiety until they are 3-years-old or even older, triggered by such things as a new childcare situation, a parent going out of town, or a fear of being alone in the dark.

To ease your child's fear, try these tips:

•Warn visitors to your home that your child will need a little time to warm up to them. Ask them to let her get comfortable and make the first move. If they get too close or smother her with kisses right away, she's likely to have a meltdown or cling to you. This advice goes for grandparents and other relatives, too, if your child doesn't see them frequently.

•Regularly expose your child to the same small group of adults and children so that she'll have a number of faces that are familiar to her.

•Take your child on outings that allow her to be around a lot of people but from a safe distance; a trip to the playground or the beach fits the bill.

•Create goodbye rituals for when you leave her, and don't sneak out on her. Let her know you're going, but keep it quick.

•Encourage your child to have a comfort object (perhaps a blanket or stuffed animal); it may make her feel more secure when she's entering a group situation or being left with a babysitter.

References

First published August 30, 1999
Last updated May 22, 2007
Copyright © 1999 Consumer Health Interactive

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